Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
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Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.