On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
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[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Woke up against my better judgment again
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.