Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
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You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs