Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
You Might Also Like
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV