“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
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Jupiter
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor