Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
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After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
goldfish mafia
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.