My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
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[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now