Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
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Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
Google assistant rules
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
#polloftheday
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
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