I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
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Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
men, we mow at sunrise.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*