Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
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When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair