[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
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Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it