Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
You Might Also Like
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
I’d rather fork than spoon.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…