Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
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[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?