[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
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*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on