My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
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Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.