They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
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Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
Yup!
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.