good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
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Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.