Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
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I’m not lazy
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Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
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I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*