Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
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Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
god: but small
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.