Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
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It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
I just stopped by to water my horse.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves