my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
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Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
sensitive skin
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.