I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
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What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent