I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
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Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.