Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
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[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan