Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
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Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
This is the best one I’ve seen
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
this country is so goddamn polarized
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
lmao
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?