basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
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I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
58.