basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
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[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
Isn’t
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life