My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
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I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.