Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
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I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
Lassie, get help!
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.