Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
You Might Also Like
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
h
a
a
a
t
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.