Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
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satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.