Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
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My life in a nutshell
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Flowers bee like
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend