me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
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My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target