Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
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[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?