Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
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ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
the #horror is real!
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now