You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
You Might Also Like
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
I’m having an out of money experience.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
#Caturday
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.