I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
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If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills