Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
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Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
🙅🏻
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted