Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
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HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
this is how life feels
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.