That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
You Might Also Like
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
Seas the day!!!!
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”