@slyoung5

Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.

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@_davidlucas_

*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*

Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?

@Reverend_Scott

Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.

@ArfMeasures

ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me

[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting

@Dawn_M_

It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.

@LuvPug

It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication

@fro_vo

ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something

@tiffanytweets80

My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.

@shanethevein

” National No Bra Day”?

I say pics or it didn’t happen day.

@Elizasoul80

When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.