*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
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Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.