Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
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Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*