Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
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With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
The internet is magic sometimes.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Well, that didn’t work.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.