I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
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I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
OKAY DAD
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.