Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
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I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Simple
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.