Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
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Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
The French cow says MEUX…
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Trumpy Cat
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?