Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
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A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Sometimes? I’m slipping
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
how was your vacation
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?