they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
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At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
the prophecies have been fulfilled
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
that’s really how it is
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals