When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
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HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
absolutely not
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.