Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
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zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Found the job I’m suited for
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
it was a valiant fight
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater