Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
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Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.