Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
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Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.