Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
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Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
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If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
Doctor: Hello. Thanks for being patient
Me: Hello. Thanks for being doctor
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*