Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me

me: no go away

cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad

We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.

My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.

Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.

Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.

The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.

RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.

welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.

I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.

*third date, back at my place*

me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!

Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.

See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?

[undercover as a mom]

Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now

Other moms: *narrow eyes*

Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months

“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”

When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.

Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered

Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!

Tech Support: how much had you written?

Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences

My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired

Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?

Ex Girlfriend:…

Boss: “you’re fired”

Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”

When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.

*goes produce shopping*

Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.

*minds peas & queues*

Daughter: He found a garter snake

Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-

Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt

Mom: Damn it

“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”

I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.

Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.

Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people

My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic

Me:

My grandfather: The Grampacalypse

Me:

My grandfather: Grandmageddon

Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait

Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?

what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?

I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty

I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?