(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
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i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*