Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.

Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?

Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly

Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow

Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.

I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.

At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.

When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.

I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.

*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building

Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!

Me: Oh you are so full of shit!

Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult

Me: I want you inside of me.

Him: Wow.

Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?

Him: Why are you like this?

My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.

I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.

the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”

I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.

Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.

I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.

They’re all grounded.

Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.

[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.

confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?

T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH

I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.

Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry mat

Yes, it’s another four mat tweet.

A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.

I can’t stand fake people.

Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.

Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.

A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth

If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano

DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?

ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it

I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.

Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.

[Maroon 4 meeting]

Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”

Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”

Adam: “I’ve got it”

Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.

Husband: It just happened.

Me: But it was in the past.

Husband: It was five minutes ago.

Me: In. The. Past.

I’d like to apologize…

To anyone I have not offended.

I’ll be with you momentarily.