I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
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My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.