Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
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Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.