All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
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Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
My diet starts in January
of 2027
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.